why did you make me yell at you?!??

I know what you're thinking... Why did I do it? Why did I make her yell at me? I mean, no one likes to yell, and yet, I still made her do it. I think that it's just that I love being shouted at. I especially rejoice in being yelled at so hard that voices crack, ears bleed, or voice boxes come out of throats. I relish in not being able to get any words in and savor those times when negotiation or reason is not an option.If my tone sounds curt, it's because I am, and I'm angry. It's also because I am not supposed to yell back, so here I am... blogging.

The holidays are rough for everyone, they are especially rough for my mother. The expectation of sitting down to a big happy family meal, is too much to handle for many people, but extremely hard for my family right now. Yesterday she called and asked me not to go to Thanksgiving because she was worried about my family members corrupting me with Catholicism.. Today she called and said that she was indeed going to go, but she didn't like "her and her," and would not eat their food. When I asked what she meant by this, she said "oh, you'll find out one day."... Paranoia at its finest.

I am considering boycotting Thanksgiving this year; I am afraid that there will not be enough yelling.  Instead I'll get words under breath, or paranoid thoughts about the turkey and about my Aunt who was gracious enough to cook it for us.  I made the mistake of suggesting that maybe going to Thanksgiving wasn't such a good idea this year... this is apparently the moment when I made her yell at me.

Just the phrase 'you made me yell at you' implies such a lack of control, that it perfectly illustrates the toll that schizophrenia takes. That's just it, isn't it?... A loss of control and agency... and it is not her fault either. That's one of the hardest things about all of this too, the ambiguity. It is hard enough to continue to have to talk to the person who mistreats you, but even more so when you know that it's not really them that is doing the yelling.